Counter Illumination Chapter 1
The Classy Cat Burglar
The day slowly undressed itself down to a bare night exposing the stars. They were dripping their moist, tender light from above, while the moon hung in the sky like a beaming bulimic stripper. The night was an elaborate erotic dance, like a vibrant strip club but without the frats and lonely hermits throwing dollar bills. There was a building in the distance, a museum, and on top of the museum you could see a woman.
This woman was around 20 years old and was one of those loose sorority chicks you see on any college campus getting drunk and whoring themselves out. By day she was drunk and whoreish, but she assumed a different role at night. She was a treasure hunter in a skimpy cat burglar suit that she managed to steal at a clearance Halloween costume sale at Ross. Thus, her outfit was more of a costume than a suit, but she likes to think of it as a suit anyway, as it made her feel classy.
The woman possessed a delicate face with skin that glistened like heavy cream under the moonlight. She had a smooth jawline and a petite nose that curved upwards, which gave people the impression that she was snooty, which in fact she was. She possessed deep mocha frappuccino brown eyes. However, she had a tendency to put too much mascara, as she thought that the more she covered up her eyes the more it would conceal her identity as a treasure hunter, and thus the beauty of her eyes wasn't as pronounceable. Her lips were shaped like a overstuffed doughnut due to the massive amount of vividly cherry red lipstick that she stole from Kohl's. However, without the gratuitous amount of lipstick, her lips were quite cute and kissable. Her hair was as soft as a tender marshmallow, and smelled just like sugary horse hooves; it was as brown as a chocolate chip, and started from long in the front to short in the back and finally into a tasty circular cinnamon bun. She had an hourglass figure and her tight leather costume emphasized her body shape more. Although, the costume was a size too small despite all of her crash dieting. It was so tight that the surgical scars from her recent boob job were evident. For this reason, she had perfectly firm, artificially delectable large cupcakes. If you looked closely (because she's just that tasty), you'll notice that she has liposuction scars on her thighs, giving her the perfect cosmetically altered bottom. She had black stilettos on as she believed that all classy cat burglars should have them, and not only that, but she was fond of the noise they made when she walked.
She was currently installing a tension cable to get into the museum, it was proving quite difficult for her, even with the simple instruction manual supplied by her boss.
"UGH!" the woman grunted. "This is so difficult! I can't read this at all!"
In fact, the instruction manual contained pictures not words. And they were quite simple illustrations. After fumbling with the cable for quite a long time, she finally strapped herself in. She had another problem. She forgot the specially created glass cutters that she ordered from Amazon that would allow her to enter the museum from the ceiling. She contemplated breaking the glass to get in, however by doing so she would set off the alarm, ruining the mission; not only that, but she would ruin her new costume and would have to go shoplift for a new one at the mall.
"My voluptuous body is too precious to get cut!" she said to herself. "Plus what would happen if one of my boobs pop? Silicone is not cheap you know!"
Suddenly she had an idea. The woman wasn't entirely a moron, as she had her moments of pure intelligence.
"Like, omigod! I totally forgot!" the woman became more and more excited, "I have tweezers I stole at the dollar store!"
The woman was also resourceful despite her contagious stupidity and forgetfulness. She was able to create a blue ribbon project only using common household items the morning of a science fair in 6th grade. Her resources came from her trusty pink purse that she stole at Sears that seemed to have a million and one uses for virtually any situation. After all, her childhood role model was a man who could create a rocket launcher out of soil, creme soda, and a lead pipe.
The woman frantically searched her bottomless purse and found some cheap tweezers and a half a bottle of Japanese Cherry Blossom lotion that she bought at a sale at Bath and Body Works.
"So, like, I use the lotion to lube up the glass and then I use the tweezers to cut it while it's still wet! I'm such a sexy genius!"
More sexy than a genius. She took the Japanese Cherry Blossom lotion in her small hand and started to rub the glass up and and down. The lotion thinned out and she had to apply more, but upon doing so some of the pink gooey liquid landed on her chest. But that didn't phase her as she kept on going. The glass became warmer and warmer to her touch and she sped up her applying process by rubbing the glass harder and faster. The glass was completely drenched in pink viscous liquid and was ready to be cut. The woman got some on herself, but she didn't mind as the goop was to be absorbed in her skin anyway.
She took out the tweezers and slowly began to cut a hole though the glass. The tweezers were forceful but soft against the lubricated glass. It made sharp painful squeaks as she cut around. The noise ceased and the circle was completely cut. She forcefully shoved the indention, and the weaken shape fell pleasurably to the ground and broke into pieces. The woman's headset suddenly rang and she jumped in shock and almost broke one of her heels. The woman recollected herself and answered the call. There was a distorted woman's voice could be heard on the other end.
"Ms. Peacock, please be aware that there is a new security system installed in the museum called the Noil X so Cam." The voice said. "The beams are invisible to the naked eye and I have included the fine powder that can detect these sensors. I've included them in the glass cutting kit that I shipped to you via Amazon." The voice continued, "Oh! And I've also developed a new feature to your stilettos. They can now neutralize any sort of security sensors. Just be careful, as they're still in prototype. The button to activate them should be somewhere on the torso portion your suit."
"Fiiineeeeeee. l'll be careful," Ms. Peacock poutingly said, "I want that reward for myself and all to myself. you got that? Because it's my turn to bring the alcohol and I do not have any money whatsoever because I blew it all on a male strip club. It was totally worth it by the way."
"Uh... As you wish Ms. Peacock"
The voice dissipated into static, and Ms. Peacock hung up her phone.
"Bitch! I totally don't have that powder she was talking about!" She pouted, "I'm such a ditz sometimes! Giggle!"
Ms. Peacock suddenly had another genius idea, she fumbled through her purse to find some powdered Maybelline foundation that she pick pocketed from some bitch wearing a banana yellow outfit with horribly died hair and bright red fish lips. Obviously, some chick not as hot as her. She prepared the powder and then lowered herself to the museum. She groped the rope firmly, a lesson learned from taking pole dancing classes at the Y. Her headset rang again.
"Ms Peacock, you're coming close to the security sensors. Please use the detection powder within the next two meters. I'm going over my calling limit for the month. I will contact you in future missions as soon as I pay for my minutes. Good luck agent."
The static dispersed into silence. Ms. Peacock took the Maybelline foundation and made a slashing motion in front of her. The dark foundation spread into a thick cloud and revealed bright green sensors that were impeding her and her treasure. Her treasure; a white canvas with a blue circle in the middle.
Unfortunately, the green sensors were littered all over the floor. Ms. Peacock could perform some crazy gymnastic backflips and handstands, but she didn't want to break a nail, and so she placed herself in another predicament.
"Like sheeeettttt," she complained, "How do I get past these sensors again?"
She contemplated for a while. A long while.
"Oh right! I remember! There's a button somewhere on my suit somewhere!"
Ms. Peacock began to search her costume. She started at the shoulders, but didn't feel anything. She moved down to her stomach, but all she could feel was the double cheese burger she ate earlier that day. She moved to her chest, the last place she didn't check. She began to explore herself lightly feeling for any strange lumps. The room became noticeably warmer. She fondled herself some more before she checked the center of her chest, where she was most sensitive. Her suit became noticeably tighter. She was breathing heavily and slowly and continued to touch herself, searching for a strange lump. She then wrapped her hands around to the underside of her fake bosom, at this point the room was uncomfortably warm, she then felt something foreign. She gave it a squeeze and her stilettos warped into disco diva platforms.
"Is it hot in here or is it just me? Oh wait, it is me!" Ms. Peacock glanced at her shoes, " Check out these platforms, so totally retro. They even have cute little peacocks embossed!"
Ms. Peacock released herself from her stripper rope and landed feet first on the ground. The green sensor bars were being absorbed by her platforms. Without any threat of security, Ms. Peacock strutted towards the painting, licking her her lips in anticipation. The next part was really easy. She took the painting and got the hell out of that creepy ass museum.
As she was about to jump off the roof and run to her new sexy pink Volkswagen Beetle, she saw a man in the distance. This man was obscured by the darkness, but Ms. Peacock could see that this man was well built and quite masculine. She decided to wait and ogle the handsome man that caught her eye, which was totally ok because she couldn't hit the strip club anyway. He was wearing a tight black suit. What she could see were sculpted pectoral muscles, softly embossed abdominal muscles, and well defined arms that looked like they could lift a classy woman like her off her feet. Ms. Peacock became curious and looked further down his body, but couldn't see anything. She started licked her lips frantically in circles as her imagination began to race. Ms. Peacock's eye candy looked up to the night sky, and darted back into the shadows and out of sight. Ms. Peacock snapped out of her erotic trance.
"Wasn't I supposed to do something again? Mmm.... candy...." Ms Peacock's face became flushed, "Oh wait! I totally remember now!"
She jumped off the roof and ran towards her sexy automobile. She stuffed the painting in the back seat jumped in the driver seat, and started the engine and drove cacophonously into the night.